In my Head, Under my Skin
by information specialist
Summary: Cary and Kalinda reflect on what went wrong with them...  Contains spoilers for 3.11 "What Went Wrong" and 3.14 "Another Ham Sandwich". Loosely connected one shots.
1. Chapter 1

**In my Head, Under my Skin**

DISCLAIMER: The Good Wife does not belong to me. It is the creation of Robert King and Michelle King. I'm writing this fiction to express my love for the series and maybe vent a little.

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><p>"So you let her go," ASA Dana Lodges said, entering newly appointed Assistant District Attorney Cary Agos's office.<p>

"I didn't have much choice. Alicia Florrick came barging in threatening to sue. Seems like we used that hospital gimmick one time too many."

"You know it was probably Kalinda who got Lockheart and Gardner their mistrial? I'll bet she was the one who discovered that the judge had friend-ed the jury member," Dana pointed out heatedly.

"Sounds like her."

"And that doesn't bother you?"

"It does. You know what else bothers me? Talking about it."

His new girlfriend blessedly held her silence. Cary supposed it was because he'd never been this terse with her before.

"Look, it's been a long day. I'm tired and I'm angry. I'll see you tomorrow okay?"

Dana nodded at him and left his office, closing the door behind her. As soon as she did Cary let his head fall on his desk.

It was becoming too much. He'd though he'd finally grown a pair and gotten over Kalinda when he had her arrested to stop her from interfering in his case. But seeing her when her handcuffs were taken off, the pitiful hopeful expression on her face when she saw that it was Alicia who bailed her out…the vision had broken what was left of his heart.

He knew Kalinda and Alicia's friendship had been over since the older woman found out Kalinda had had a one night stand with her husband. He also knew that Kalinda freezing him out a few months back had nothing to do with her feelings towards him, that shutting herself off had been a natural instinct after her and Alicia's falling out. Cary knew that.

But it had still stung. Enough that when she finally got over her pain and came back to him, _he'd_ wanted to hurt _her. _

What did that make him?

_I like normal. _

She'd said that when she explained why she sent him a change of address notice. And he'd believed her. He knew she hadn't intended on hurting him. He had simply been collateral damage in Kalinda's journey to "normal".

But he on the other hand…he'd _wanted_ to cause her pain. Because she hadn't taken his feelings into account when she'd wallowed in her pain. He hadn't mattered enough for her to do so.

_Cary whatever I felt I didn't invent. _

What the hell did she feel?

He knew that she cared about Alicia. That she was as close to a best friend that she ever had. He'd heard her voice when she'd called him to ask him to find out who Blake had talked to, what he had said.

She had been terrified. He hadn't known what of at that point.

It had all been for Alicia.

Alicia.

That woman seemed to take away everything dear to him without even trying.

It's not that he thought Kalinda was in love with his eternal rival, but simply having her cherish her friendship that much, to go that far to try to protect it, even enlisting his help, only to have everything collapse on her…

What would it take to have her care that much about him? He'd been in love with her for over two years now; had even managed to kiss her twice and not have her recoil in disgust.

_Welcome back to normal._

The first time she'd kissed him back, and he'd been over the moon with happiness.

Where had things gone wrong?

_I'm not freezing you out._

She had been, but then she came back.

_How've you been?_

Only he'd decided he'd had enough.

_You can fake someone else but you can't fake me._

He couldn't handle their dance anymore. So he put an end to it.

_You tend to use people's feelings to further your investigations._

And it was too late to take it back, not that he was sure he wanted to.

_You think that's what I did with you?_

Dana, Kalinda. He was stuck between a rock and hard place, between a woman he was attracted to and whom he knew full well wanted him, and a woman he was slowly but surely becoming obsessed with.

"_What are we doing?"_

A woman who acted like she wanted him…

"_I have no idea…"_

…only he was too cowardly to believe it.

Their second kiss had been longer, more intimate; too good to be true.

Just like last time.

And like aversion therapy, the memory of Kalinda's subsequent cold shoulder after he'd gotten close made him stop. He'd walked out, not trusting himself to spend another second in her presence, told himself he was too happy with his relationship with Dana to mess it up.

He was supposed to have gotten over her.

_I don't like you being in my head. _

But based on Dana's suspicions and his agony, that hadn't happened yet.

_Then get me out. _

If only he knew how; was starting to think it was impossible.

Kalinda had forever taken residence under his skin, and for that he hated her.

Almost as much as he hated himself.

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><p><strong>Author's note:<strong> I love Cary. He's just so intense; I expect he's a seething mass of frustration underneath his calm exterior. And Dana is a very intriguing character as well. I can't wait to see what will happen in this triangle. Please review. I'm just starting my foray into this fandom and am interested to see what people think.


	2. Chapter 2

**In my Head, Under my Skin**

DISCLAIMER: The Good Wife does not belong to me. It is the creation of Robert King and Michelle King. I'm writing this fiction to express my love for the series and maybe vent a little.

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><p><em>Hit me. It'll make you feel better. <em>

Kalinda steeled herself for the painful smack she knew was coming.

For in Dana's eyes she saw more than just the shame and bitterness of defeat. She saw betrayal. The woman had actually thought they had become friends.

As if that were possible.

It wasn't that Kalinda minded; she made friends whenever and wherever she could. But she knew that not so deep down, under the business and games and flirtation, Dana resented her. Her interest in Kalinda was personal. Part fascination, part jealousy, it came from the need to understand what Cary had liked about Kalinda. It was also why Dana tried to emulate her; her clothes, her sexiness.

Not that she needed to. Dana was a beautiful woman in her own right. But she was trying to compensate, become what she thought Cary needed.

And as long as she saw Kalinda as a rival, no matter how much they liked each other, they could never be friends, no matter how much Dana thought she wanted that.

It was the way of the world. People wanted things and they hated whatever got between them and their desires.

*Slap*

Lockheart and Gardner's investigator knew that. But it didn't make her cheek sting any less.

Watching Dana walk away, her shoulders slumped, Kalinda wondered at the irony that Dana had no reason whatsoever to feel threatened by her.

_If Cary wanted me, he could have had me.  
><em>

Kalinda mused to herself.

_There is no competition. I'm not even in the game. _

She'd practically given herself to him and he'd walked away.

To be refused…that had never happened to Kalinda before. Seduction came to her as easily as breathing.

But this was complicated. This was more than just attraction.

She couldn't blame Cary for putting on the brakes, not when she'd been the one to teach him that particular move. And it wasn't tit for tat. He was too moral, too ethical for that.

_Moral. Ethical. _

Strange. They were words Kalinda never would have associated with Cary. But they fit.

Cary hadn't pulled away, wasn't now staying away to be spiteful.

She knew that now.

It was because she had hurt him.

She hadn't meant to, not this time anyway, but she'd done so enough in the past that he probably could no longer tell between an accidental and an intentional jab.

And really, did it matter when they both hurt equally?

Kalinda hardly had any regrets in her life. Her new life, anyway.

But she did regret underestimating how much depth a young blonde man with a boyish smile could have, and how she never realized how much she'd miss him.

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><p><strong>Author's note:<strong>

So I'm taking a crack at making this a continuation. But the chapters can be read as one shots. We'll see what inspiration new episodes bring…


	3. Chapter 3

**In my Head, Under my Skin**

DISCLAIMER: The Good Wife does not belong to me. It is the creation of Robert King and Michelle King. I'm writing this fiction to express my love for the series and maybe vent a little.

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><p>The next time Kalinda saw Cary, she and Alicia were on their way out of court on another case and he had waylaid them to apologize.<p>

"Alicia, I'm sorry," he had started. At the older woman's steely gaze, he looked down, "I'm so sorry-"

The smack of Alicia's palm on Cary's face, coupled with his head flying back from the blow had Kalinda flinch in sympathy. That must have hurt infinitely more than Dana's slap to her.

She didn't account for feeling her heart break at seeing his eyes close, his jaw line tense, and his Adam's apple move slightly as he tried to reign himself in, the cords of his neck straining as he turned to face Alicia.

"I tried to stop her."

"I thought you'd changed, Cary. I was wrong. " Alicia bit off in disbelief, leaving him standing in the hall of the courthouse.

Seeing the devastated look on his face, Kalinda knew full well that Alicia was right about being wrong about Cary, but not in the way she said.

It wasn't that Cary changed. He was the same as he always was.

And that he had always been infinitely better than either she or Alicia gave him credit for.

After all, competition never brings out the best in people. And neither she nor Alicia had ever bothered to get to know him beyond their preconceptions while he worked at Lockhart and Gardner, fighting Alicia for his job.

It was only afterwards, due to Kalinda's multiple run-ins with him at the States Attorney's office, and all the times he helped her, that she understood him.

But Alicia still only had her bias. She thought his acts of kindness were the deviance, not the norm.

Seeing him gaze on the floor, looking defeated and strained, Kalinda found herself walking up to him.

"You okay?"

Cary gave her a small sad smile that she read easily to mean "What do you think?" before he walked away, not knowing that with every step he was taking her heart with him.

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><p><strong>Author's note: <strong>

When Cary helps out Alicia in episode Alienation of affection (when he testifies that he doesn't think a document she signed was forged to the LA lawyer). They have a little moment at the elevator before he leaves. She thanks him, he tells her she's welcome, then she goes on to say "I don't get it" meaning, she doesn't understand why he helped her. Cary laughs and says "oh, wow." His reaction was like he was surprised by how negatively she perceives him; that she can't believed he did something good. This is supported by how when she asks him "What's so funny?" He says "nothing", but then tells her that things change. I think here Cary was just giving Alicia a graceful out, instead of calling her out on her bias towards him; and to be fair, any he had towards her.

That's just my interpretation, and it was convenient to make Kalinda gain further empathy for Cary


End file.
